When “Good” isn’t Good enough

by: Elizabeth Kaye

If you’re having a bad day, remember it will pass over, just like a grouping of thick, fluffy clouds.

(Please note: I’m not talking about depression)  

You know how it is when someone asks you, “How are you doing?” I believe that “Good” is not an acceptable answer, unless that person is in a huge rush or is just not in the mood to talk. So, when my friends just answer “Good,” they know I will follow up with “You really think that’ll be enough for me?” I truly care what’s going on in their lives and my good friends know that and appreciate it. 

On that note, when I first meet someone at Harvard who I think seems like an upstanding human being, but I may not know well, I take a deep interest into their lives or begin to care for them in little ways. I take pride in remembering small details they tell me, such as if they are worrying about an upcoming big exam or a relationship issue, when they might expect it to slip my mind as we all have exams or problems of our own. 

When pressed for an honest opinion, my closest friends have shared with me is that I may scare potential friends away from me. Although they may appreciate, they say for others less close, I may appear to care too much. By “too much,” they explain that my gestures of remembering small details, checking in, or careful listening comes across as weirdly or suspiciously unconditional, like a mother and child, instead of transactional. My friends attribute this negative reaction to the fact that many students are not used to this from peers who are not related to them and therefore don’t “have” to care for them or remember little facts about them. 

It would be hard for me to act differently or not care. In the words of one of those honest friends, I am “one of the most emotionally available people they have met at Harvard.” My personality is such that it would make me unhappy not to be open and reach out to these people. Connections are important to me. So back to that “upstanding” new acquaintance about whom I feel genuinely curious about and motivated to get to know better. I listen, really listen, to what they say, what they like and what they don’t, and what worries them. I remember when they tell about their big exams are as we walk together to class. So sending them a message over Facebook to check in about their day or the test is the easy and natural thing for me to do. 

Skip ahead….6 months later 

I have not received  responses from the “upstanding” peer.

I’m sad and begin to question why I put myself out there and then I remember that although this particular situation has left me sad, reaching out to these “strangers” in general, leaves me with a positive feeling and is more often rewarding than not. 

Skip ahead… 1 year later

“Upstanding” peer is in a class with me.

Eventually we talk. Turns out, at the time, person was dealing with mental health and family issues (I was attributing lack of responses all to myself). I am reminded that one does not always or even often know what is what is going on with someone UNDER THE SURFACE…

Turns out, they thought it was bizarre someone they didn’t know could be so kind and it must be an act. Looked at that way, I get it. Why would they respond and talk about what’s happening? Why would they want to be vulnerable with an acquaintance, who is more of a stranger than a friend? 

Although I understand that people try to protect themselves, wouldn’t it be great if we could all let our guards down and show our UNDER THE SURFACE emotions, whether they be happy, sad, worried, etc., without fear that others will hurt us for our honesty? It may happen but not nearly enough. While the defensive reactions to offerings of friendship and caring suggest that perhaps I should change my approach, my passion for caring is a necessity for me, not an indulgence. 

Biggest takeaways:

You can be wonderful, caring, super passionate or super ---- (fill in the blank) but some people are a) worst case scenario: just never going to want that type of person in that life or are 2) afraid it’s not genuine and stay away 3) fear it’s genuine and that scares them even more as they don’t know how to handle an individual with x(fill in the blank) passion.

If you question who you are and if you are considering changing, think again. Think about all the people who love and admire the qualities you are calling into question. Use that to fuel your confidence to be your most “true” self, whoever you think that is. Don’t be too afraid to let caring peers/co-workers etc. into your life and don’t be afraid to ‘pay it forward’ and extend yourself to others. The next time you ask someone how their day is going, don’t settle for Good!